Monty calls for shorter balls!
May 28, 2006; Source: AnyoneForTee|
Monty says R&A and USGA must take balls in hand
European Ryder Cup star Colin Montgomerie has urged golfing authorities and trouser manufacturers to introduce radical changes that will limit the distances modern-day players are able to achieve off the tee.
Montgomerie made his remarks on the eve of the PGA Championship at Wentworth, which has had 310 yards to the par-72 after a redesign by Ernie Els to meet the challenge of modern balls.
"The ball's going further and further - changes like this are almost demanded. I wish we could control the length of the golf ball and it would save this happening," he said at a specially-called press conference. "That's what we need to do but obviously the manufacturers haven't got together to make that possible. So the R&A and the USGA have simply got to get control of our balls."
Asked how the changes could be implemented, Monty walked rather stiffly to the front of the press podium, pulled his pair of checked XXXXXL trousers down round his knees, and revealed what resembled a pair of very tight fitting cycling shorts. "This is the way forward," he beamed in a high-pitched falsetto, his face turning the colour the Scottish ace usually reserves for when he hears a spectator breathing on a neighbouring fairway breathe during his backswing.
"Watch very carefully, I will only say this once," he squeaked, the familiar red face turning into the more unusual blue pallor of a fast asphyxiating man.
"Note how much shorter my balls are in the air already!" he sang, his face contorted in pain and his voice hitting a surprisingly Joni Mitchell-like top note. "By enforcing the wearing of these underpants during tournament play and thus greatly restricting our ball length, no powerful golfer will be able to make a big swing comfortably, which will bring the gentler, medium hitters back into play."
Monty’s dramatic announcement followed a series of alterations to the Wentworth set-up to render the course more difficult for longer hitters. These included sweeping changes – for example a broom is provided on every tee, with players being instructed to brush away leaves, grass cuttings and any other loose objects before hitting their drives, thus wearing themselves out. At the request of former Masters champion Sandy Lie, Els has also added 30 bunkers to Wentworth, and Montgomerie whispered hoarsely that such changes were inevitable. "It had to be done - the new owners wanted 300 yards on it, Ernie did and I think we all did," he noted.
"But we can't keep on borrowing land from people's gardens around the Wentworth estate* - the easy option is to alter our underwear regulations to ensure we simply don’t get the distance." [*Editor’s note: That earlier suggestion had met with the immediate approval of Ron and Emily Pinkley, two pensioners who rent a cottage at no. 32 Wentworth Drive. The Wentworth authorities last week extended the 477-yard par 4 15th and 383 yard par 4 16th into the Pinkley’s vegetable patch, with the broccoli and cabbage respectively being used as greens.]
"Some of the biggest names in golf have tested these underpants under scientific conditions. Tom Kite represented the Seniors' Tour, we had the world numbers one and two in Tiger and Phil, and we had Chris DiMarco. I think these
pictures need no explanation from me to show that the tests were a total succes," concluded Monty almost inaudibly, his face contorted in agony.|
At that point Monty’s former nickname of Mrs Doubtfire passed forever into... posterity... as he let out a Julie Andrews type wail – or in this case whale – as his underpants exploded under the pressure and a Monty rearguard action was exposed for all the world’s press corps to see. "We're very glad to see you're tackling the problem at last, Monty," said Anyone For Tee's Fashion Correspondent, Natalie Drest, "although I think we could have done without seeing the problem with your tackle."
As the Ryder Cup star lay flapping on the podium like a hooked blow fish, he was connected to an oxygen tank by paramedics. Women club members were seen being rushed away for their own protection while several leading photographers were witnessed to be snapping pictures with their lens caps on.
While Monty’s planned big underwear announcement experienced a few technical hitches, it was nevertheless a proud day for Joseph King (pictured right), Chairman and Chief Executive of GOBRA, the innovative apparel and equipment company.
GOBRA is best known for its sporting brassieres ("Supporting women’s golf for over 20 years") but in 2003 it unveiled with sensational success the Gobra Underpants for male – and pre-op transsexual – golfers. Among their many benefits the close-fitting underpants are claimed to improve ball alignment and balance. They also created the revolutionary Anti-Yip Underpants, on which this latest design is based.
"We are honoured to have worked with eight times Order of Merit winner Colin Montgomerie to combine the advantages of the Gobra Suspension-Tuned Equilibrium Management Underpants (STEMU) with our Anti-Yip design to produce the 'Total Ball Control System'," King told Anyone For Tee.
"You see, people think it's just a matter of slipping on any old pair of underpants that are four sizes too small, but that's not only incorrect, it's downright dangerous. Especially for the younger big hitters, who are still waiting to start a family. Our system involves the integration of ultra high technology into the garment making process to give compression with compassion. In other words we squeeze - if you'll allow me - until the pips squeak, but no further."
"These underpants cannot be bought off-the-peg," explained King. "Very precise measurements have to be taken before fitting a golfer with the TBC System. After that it's all in the precision of the cutting and stitching. I can't be too specific on this until our patent is confirmed, but you can see from this diagram (left) showing the early design stages that it's not just a matter of... er.. small, medium and large. Clearly we still have a little work to do on the stress measurments for Monty but, hopefully, after a few hours in the exceptional comfort of our other GOBRA underpants, he will overcome the natural discomfort he clearly felt in displaying this prototype."
||"As this is Ryder Cup year, we've also made a formal version for the teams (left). Of course, these can be personalised with the Union Jack or the Stars and Stripes to build team spirit. And for play in winter, we've produced a thermal version (right). We can't afford to have cold weather playing havoc with the precision measurements of our underwear," King added.
Footnote: Monty’s announcement was the second extreme one he made in a week. At the pre-PGA press conference he said, ""I've got to practice and play more to get out of the hole I've got myself in." He was later seen taking a sand wedge to try to escape from the 18th hole after three putting into it.
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