More Alliss in Wonderland
In case you hadn't noticed, we think Peter Alliss is a national treasure. We are well aware that his brand of humour - and his brand of politics - aren't everyone's cup of tea, but we think the world of golf would be a poorer place without him.|
We are also pleased to advise that the readership of Anyone for Tee would appear to agree with us. "Alliss in Wonderland" is one of the most popular pages on this site, and our readers have kindly sent in many contributions to the Alliss treasure trove, which needed to be aired.
Since launching this feature, we have also noticed an increasing tendency on the part of other golf commentators - or "analysts", as some of them prefer to be called (presumably it suggests some form of intellectual activity going beyond the word-pictures which a mere commentator paints) - to work pithy, humourous remarks into their offerings, with more or less success.
These range from Richard Boxall's splendidly down to earth comments to Johnny Miller's tiresome and repetitive jargon, not forgetting Bruce Critchley's valiant sorties into the more secluded reaches of the English language, which occasionally end up in uncharted territory. But head and shoulders above the rest is Ken Brown, who is showing strong signs of having the Alliss gift for the "right word" and the deft humourous touch.
It was therefore time for a second collection of gems from the world of golf on television. We hope you enjoy them as much as the first, and we shall continue adding to them. As ever, your e-mail contributions of gems of the commentating (sorry - analytical) art on teebox@AnyoneforTee.com are more than welcome.
The original collection is still available by clicking here.
Looking for a particular commentator? Go straight there by clicking on the name:|
Very hard to tell the sex of parrots, you know...
Looks a bit like Jurassic Park in there. (Of the rough at the 14th at Royal St. George's)
The British are a wonderful race. As soon as the sun comes out, out come the shorts, may be demob issue 1952... 1945..., doesn't matter... (Of extremely pink, sunburned and obviously British spectators at the 2003 Open Championship)
I'm the only Pisces who doesn't like it. Water that is. Vast areas of water and I don't get on.
There's Sergio, animal lover. In my day we would have taken it home and built it a house! (Of Sergio Garcia decapitating an insect with his club during the Open Championship)
Have at thee, Sir Percy! (Of any telling thrust)
A new ball! (Of Tiger Woods' lost ball after his drive on the 1st hole of the 2003 Open Championship - Tiger made 7 on the hole)
There's his man - the psychologist - just making sure he doesn't slip away before a little paper changes hands. (Of Ernie Els and Jos Vanstiphout, after Els won the 2003 Scottish Open)
If he could just get over this shy part of his nature... (Of Sergio Garcia's antics after holing a 60 yard approach at the 17th in the 3rd round of the 2003 Open Championship)
Some of the fans there, fuelled by the local giggle-juice. (Of noisy spectators)
He attempted the Pittenweem scuttle. (Of Davis Love's chip at the 18th in the 3rd round of the 2003 Open Championship)
We can now have that new kitchen you promised me. (As Mike Weir's wife hugs him after 2003 Masters playoff)
Oh my good Gawd! (After Mike Weir's first putt on 18th in 2003 Masters)
The ball's own body weight... Fletcher's trolley it's known as in the trade.
He's made an absolute rickets of it there, (of Ricky Barnes)
That's ridiculous. That's totally ridiculous. That's completely impossible. He'll have to go and have a lie down now. (After Phil Mickelson holes a 100 footer)
There aren't many good sixes, but that was a bad six. (Of Tiger Woods' 6 at the 3rd in the last round of the 2003 Masters)
You never realised how difficult the damned game was! (To Seve Ballesteros, after watching a poor bunker shot that Seve had described as "simple")
An arboreal cathedral... (Of the view from the tee at Augusta's 10th)
Darren's teed this up on a bit of a stalk. (Of Darren Clarke at the 16th at Loch Lomond)
Not a good time to be playing leapfrog with a unicorn... (Of Padraig Harrington)
One to savour, that. A real ball-buster. (Of a Thomas Bjorn drive)
A bit rooty under there, Peter? (At the HSBC World Matchplay)
Ken Brown (as Thomas Bjorn walks off the 15th green against Ben Curtis in the HSBC World Matchplay): Nice three. Good drive, nice iron, good putt there, Seve?
Seve: Yeah, I know that....
Jose Maria Olazabal looks like he's had one too many. (Of Olly at the 2003 US Open cut line)
You can't see Woods for the trees. (Of Tiger, in trouble, at 2003 US Open)
What a thrust! (Of Freddie Jacobson on the 7th, 3rd round, 2003 Volvo Masters)
That sun will soon disappear over in the west, and reappear in the east, as it has done every day since the beginning of time. (Of sunset at Valderrama)
The chess match continues. (As Davis Love and Woody Austin go to fourth playoff hole in 2003 MCI Heritage)
He's going for number 3, he's going for the hat-trick, three in a row. (Of Ernie Els at the 2004 Heineken Classic)
You got an environmentally sensitive area over the green... (Of the rough behind the 14th at the 2003 US Women's Open)
That's chilli-dip city down there. (Of a bad lie around the green)
That's chunk city down there.
She's in white-knuckle city, huh? (Of Hilary Lunke, 2003 US Women's Open- Hilary won)
And look at his backside! (Of Geoff Ogilvy's scorecard)
That came down like a loaf of bread. (Of a Fred Couples approach shot)
Jarmo [Sandelin], tastefully dressed in purple trousers...
If you miss that green to the right, where those trees are, you really are in the toilet. (Of the 14th at Valderrama)
Take a chicken-stick. (Said whenever a player is faced with a challenge they'd do better to decline)
It's a dog-leg very slightly, well, not very slightly, 45º right to left. (At the Linde German Masters)
It's the hardest easiest hole on the golf course, Bruce. (Of the 8th at Valderrama)
That looks like it's going to be... probably... a certain three. (Of Ignacio Garrido at the 2004 Qatar Masters)
As soon as I thought it was in, I knew it had no chance. (Of Nobuhito Sato at the 2004 Qatar Masters)
Arjun Atwal - the first Indian to win on tour - and the second!
That would've tickled up the tournament! (Of Andrew Forsyth's 3rd shot on the 18th at the European Open, which nearly went in)
There's lots of little plots and sub-plots and cameo...[long pause]...happenings still to come. (On the last round of the 2003 European Open)
As the setting sun goes down... (At the Solheim Cup)
No matter how many you are up, if you miss a few, the worms of doubt begin to nibble. (In the Solheim Cup singles)
He has such wonderful distance control on these shots... well, that needed another yard or two. (Of David Toms in the World Cup)
Some teams finishing with a real... wet sail.
That was not an "If I knock this in and he takes three putts I'm only one behind" sort of thing. (Of Stephen Leaney on the 18th in the last round of the 2003 US Open)
There's a lot of moveability in there for a man of 53. (Of Tom Watson at the 2003 US Open)
The wind taken out of his sails - that's a heinous crime he's committed. (Of Richard Green taking 7 on 17th at the 2003 Demovo British Masters)
They'll be tired as teddy bears tonight! (Of the field at Valderrama for the 2003 Volvo Masters)
It can be a bit discombobulating for some players. (Of a hole in one)
Only six players under par now... 13 players under par at the start of the day... so the course moving up the leaderboard all the time. (At the 2003 Volvo Masters)
No one's ever won it the following year, having won it the previous one. (Of Adam Scott at the Tournament Players Championship, 2005)
Charles Schwartzel, 140 pounds in weight, which I think is exactly 10 stone. (At the WGC American Express 2005)
He's a box of frogs. (Of Woody Austin, pictured right)
That one landed like a sack of clams.
Apart from reading it not too well and hitting it far too hard, it was perfect! (Of a Jesper Parnevik approach putt at the 2004 Colonial)
Unknown / Various
I just sink a little lower into the ground. (Darren Clarke, 225 lbs, when asked how he is handling the waterlogged conditions at the Accenture Match Play.)
If you've just heard a beauty, share it with us...
We invite you to e-mail us your own favourite phrases by Peter Alliss or any other golf commentator around the world. We will give them a good home in Wonderland, and every two months an award will be given to the best example.
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